When Dinosaurs Roamed the Earth

Ok, boomer (rock)

Like any young American person in the 1980s, I wanted my MTV. (Sadly, we didn’t get cable until quite a few years after the network debuted.) What I didn’t want was to be subjected to “old” musicians on the comeback trail. What 14-year-old girl wants to listen to Steve Winwood? Why would I even know who Traffic was? Dire Straits? Who cares? 

How was this dude only 38 in 1986?

I mean, I guess Tina Turner looked amazing at 45 when “Private Dancer” put her back in the spotlight, but that doesn’t really mean a whole lot to a middle-schooler. Same goes for Aretha Franklin (though no one had anything nice to say about how she looked during the “Who’s Zoomin’ Who?” era) and even David Bowie. When “Let’s Dance” was wildly popular and David Bowie was just 36, I was vaguely aware that he was important but I had never heard of Ziggy Stardust. Peter Gabriel? Phil Collins? Why?! (Yes, I know the answer is Genesis.)

Sure, that Traveling Wilburys image that resurfaces every so often serves its purpose: making one feel old. But it does more than that. It rekindled my anger at forcing youngsters to accept “Touch of Gray” as a Top 40 hit. The injustice! Get out of here with that Mike and the Mechanics shit. Also, how is Bob Dylan still releasing new music?

Never forget Peter Cetera in a Bauhaus shirt.

Apparently, now Gen Z pop stars are mining the ‘90s (sure, fun) but it’s not as if popular music is currently dominated by singers who were actually at their peak in the 1990s. I was trying to come up with a modern example of the boomer rock comeback but literally couldn’t find one example.

I was too old (and cool, ha) for Fiona Apple--I couldn’t even name a single song of hers other than the melodramatic opening theme from The Affair--but maybe she counts now that millennials have gone apeshit for her new album?

But that’s not exactly right either. Fiona Apple is 42 and her fans are similarly elder millennials/younger Gen X. I don’t think anyone expects seventh graders to buy a copy of “Fetch the Bolt Cutters.”

I have not watched Vernon Subutex, but if I’m understanding the premise based on Facebook ads it’s that aging musicians aren’t cool. Just like nature intended!

What I did want to listen to when I was younger were songs that I can only describe as music for suburban teens that made them imagine being a worldly adult. And I mean last-century teenagers, not sexy, intellectual teens a la Normal People.

Shorthand: Sophistipop. This is the type of music you might imagine listening to in your penthouse apartment in London, L.A., or NYC, glass of champagne in hand, calla lilies in a streamlined vase atop a black lacquer table, not a split-level ranch eight miles from the maligned suburb you grew up in. I’m not going to go as far as saying my teenage self would be disappointed with the present me because I’ve had some fleeting moments of greatness. 

Sophistipop is the kind of music you know it when you hear it. Some of it’s good. When Roxy Music comes on like it did recently when I was rewatching The Americans, it evokes that feeling. Some of it is pretty bad. Johnny Hates Jazz is objectively not great. I don’t really want to listen to Go West, Level 42, or Living in a Box voluntarily either. 

Some of it leans Top 40 like Spandau Ballet, and some of it sounds mainstream but wasn’t really played regularly on the radio. There could be strings, there might be sax, probably keyboard. There are also newer meta-versions of this genre, which makes it all the more confusing. It can head into indie janglepop territory and then I have to reign it in. I’m also not crazy about “blue-eyed” soul (a descriptor also used for Steve Winwood, ugh) but it can be relevant in this context. 

With all of that out of the way, I present my Spotify playlist, “Suburban Sophistipop: Grown Up Music For ‘80s Teens.” What else am I supposed to do with my free time?

I’m sure I forgot a bunch, so let me know your favorite (or most hated) song in this genre.